We all have our own relationship style, and we all feel insecure at times in a new relationship, and we all have difficulty communicating our needs, wants, and desires at times in a relationship, but during the first critical 90 days of a relationship, that’s when we really need to start understanding what your partner needs in order to feel secure in a relationship.
It is critical to be self-aware during this time. Understanding what your partner requires is extremely beneficial to the relationship’s long-term prospects.
Five years ago, the first 90 days didn’t make me feel very secure. I tried to communicate my needs, wants, and desires to her, but she consistently ignored them. That, in turn, spoke volumes about her lack of understanding of how a relationship should function.
Because being in a relationship entails understanding our partner’s needs, wants, and desires and making them a reality for them.
So, right now, I’ll give you six things you can do to make your partner feel safe.
1 – Contact disconnection:
If she calls and you’re busy, and you know your girlfriend or partner gets anxious, goes into story mode, or doesn’t feel secure because you don’t respond, here’s what you do.
Simply text them, “hey, I’m in a work meeting right now, I’ll call you later.” It has a significant impact. You should not punish someone who has an anxious attachment style. Accept it as part of who they are.
“I’m in a work meeting; I’ll call you back later,” is all it takes to calm their neurotic events. However, don’t disconnect when they require that connection with you throughout the day.
Withdrawal No. 2:
When you’re feeling insecure, don’t withdraw.
Because it’s better to talk to your partner about why you’re insecure, how you got triggered, and why you feel the way you do, rather than withdrawing and ignoring them.
It is preferable to speak about something as it arises rather than passive-aggressively manipulating or playing the game of I’m not going to get back to you, but I’m going to get even with you.
3 – Keeping Track:
Don’t keep track of how long it took for them to return your call and how long it took for you to return theirs, for them to make the first make-up move and act distant until such time. What will happen here is that you will literally design how the two of you will handle minor miscommunications and breakdowns.
It will never work if you keep score in a relationship. Just thinking, “Well, they didn’t do that, so I’m not going to do that,” is what we call a tit for tat relationship. That is never going to work.
And in that relationship, there will be no growth, no security, and you will both be two anxious people who are constantly keeping score, rather than simply letting go and allowing and understanding each other’s attachment style.
4 – Playing the Hostile:
Never engage in hostile behavior. Don’t roll your eyes when they’re talking if you’re angry, mad, or sad, if you’re triggered, or if you feel unheard.
Just tell them, look, please feel free to express yourself, but allow me the opportunity to express myself as well, so we can both understand each other better.
5 – Making a threat to leave:
Never threaten to leave someone if a relationship isn’t going well. Because this will activate their anxious attachment within their own bodies and minds. Making someone feel abandoned because you’re angry is a childish way to handle any type of relationship.
So don’t even threaten to leave. “We’re in a misunderstanding, I’m uncomfortable, I feel like we need to work through this, and this is how it made me feel,” say to them. That is a more mature method of doing it.
6 – Manipulation:
Acting busy and unapproachable, ignoring phone calls, and making up plans that don’t exist are all examples of manipulation. When I was in my twenties and trying to manipulate women, I would literally say fine, then I’m going away with my friends and I’d go somewhere with my friends and I’d sit by the phone the entire weekend.
That was before we had cell phones. I’d stand by the house phone, waiting for it to ring. Manipulation is a poor, immature relationship level.
So those are six ways to improve your relationship and learn each other’s anxious attachments and anxiety in the first 90 days so you can better understand one another.
